18. On Exes and Pain

My darling ex boyfriend has got himself a new girlfriend. We've been broken up for 6 years now, which is as long as we were going out, so you'd think this wouldn't be a problem. But it is. Mostly because we're very close and the reasons that we broke up.

I need to backtrack a little here. He's Jewish and I'm Greek so that is where the trouble started. Everything was fine when we first started going out but then things got serious. He used to break up with me every varsity vac and inevitably we'd get together a week or so after I got back.... that was a dumb idea. I know he was trying to do that because I'd go back to Zim and out of sight out of mind but it never worked.

Eventually though, it got to a point where now we wanted to get married. This after a major breakup that lasted 6 months. His parents weren't thrilled to say the least. I think they came just short of tearing their clothes. My parents totally freaked out as well - and they had more right to freak out than my ex's folks because the compromise he and I had reached in order to get married was that I was going to convert reform.

In the end though, my parents said they were not going to lose a daughter over this. His parents were another story. They are Orthodox Jews although they are quite relaxed about it. The only made their house kosher literally one or two months before the ex and I told them we wanted to get married. So they are not what you'd call devout in my opinion.

Reform Judaism is a milder form and more liberal - things like men and women are considered equal and stuff like that. Also the conversion process takes a year and isn't so stringent whereas in Orthodox Judaism it takes 3 years and even then they may not accept you and you always have someone looking over your shoulder. It would mean that I would have to move house just to be able to walk to the shul on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. In other words, a whole lifestyle change while all my ex would have to do is... well... nothing. Didn't sound fair to me.

So we agreed that Reform was a compromise and he would do the conversion with me. You would have thought that would have appeased his parents but they still went bananas when they heard. Life at home was terrible for him and he spent most of his waking hours at my place. His parents wanted an Orthodox conversion and nothing less (and even that was less ideal than a nice Jewish girl which was the impression I got). So the pressure was on. I was into the conversion about 2 months when he came to me and asked me to please consider Orthodox conversion. This really threw me because it meant that he was going back on the agreement and that I would be making the greater sacrifice.

He persuaded me to see an Orthodox rabbi – we went together and I was seriously impressed – he was intelligent and articulate and really interesting. He explained the situation and there wasn’t much that was new to me about the conversion at this point. So I sat and thought about it for about 3 days and then I told the ex that I couldn’t do it. And that it was unreasonable for him to expect me to change my whole life so drastically when he wasn’t going to do anything different. The reason, he said, is that he wanted Jewish kids and Reform in this country isn’t really accepted. The demographic is 20% Reform against 80% Orthodox and he was worried that the kids would suffer as a result. There was ZERO chance of him converting to Greek Orthodoxy which would have been the easy route. He said that he could never do the conversion himself and he wouldn’t expect me to do it but that if I wouldn’t do it there was no point in continuing the relationship. And that was that.

But there was nothing wrong with our relationship. We still loved each other. People accused us of being like an old pair of shoes together. And they could see that there was still a lot of chemistry between us. So 6 years later, here am I in this position where he is moving on although I don’t know how serious it is.

About 3 weeks ago I was having a perfectly good Saturday at the beach when I came home and checked my email and he had sent one that morning telling me that he was seeing someone and he thought I should know. After all this time it hit me like a sucker punch in the stomach. He’s seen other women before and they haven’t worked out but I have a feeling about this one.

Stupid me, I asked 101 questions about her. What was she like? What did she do? Where was she from? Most of it was out of a sick fascination, similar to that of people that watch accidents. It wasn’t going to be any good for me, the more I heard the more it was going to hurt and yet I couldn’t help myself. It’s like cutting yourself and you can’t stop. The pain is the same. I’m pretty sure he didn’t know what it was doing to me otherwise I don’t think he would have answered. Or that’s what I like to think. Because I don’t know how far he’s moved along. Or if he still loves me and has decided to leave our life together for the Greek tragedy that it was and realize that no one will ever match up to me and settle.

Isn’t that the way it always is? You break up with someone and even if you hate their guts, and even if you’ve moved on to better things, you still want them to spend the rest of their lives alone and pining for you. Ego is a strange thing. And that in some sick way is what I want. If I can’t have him, no one else should. He should forever be loving me from afar. Damn it, he should love me close up. I guess that the disbelief and denial stems from the fact that I can’t believe that something so special could just disappear. Or that he thinks he can find it again. I just want to think of him as moving through life martyred that he couldn’t be with his true love (me) but has settled with another nice Jewish girl because that’s what society dictates.

Which brings me to my thoughts on that. Why doesn’t he have the balls to stand up to his parents and give two fingers to society and say “I’m marrying this girl no matter what because I love her”. Why can’t he let the kids get old enough brought up in a house that practices both Jewish and Greek Orthodox traditions and let them decide for themselves if they want to convert or not? Is it because he doesn’t have the balls? Or is it because he doesn’t love me enough? Either way, he doesn’t come off looking too great and yet still I can’t let go. I mean, if he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to his parents at 32 years of age I have no business being there.

And then there’s the other side of the argument. Maybe I don’t love him enough to give him what he wants which is an Orthodox conversion so that his kids can be Jewish. Is that true? Is that a valid question? It doesn’t feel like it.

So now he has his nice Jewish girlfriend far, far away on Mud Island. Thank God he isn’t in the same city as me otherwise I would have been crucified by now. But he’s coming home in December. I asked him if I would see him and he said yes, why not, but I don’t think he got what I was asking. Which was (a) if it was appropriate that he see me and (b) if he wanted to see me. It could mean that he can see me because it won’t bring back an old rush of feelings and start the intensity of the whole mess again. Which means that he doesn’t love me anymore. And that is the knife twisting in my chest. I’ll have to wait until December to see.

Also, we are close. We email every day or chat on Skype. He’s the first person I run to if I have a problem. It might not be healthy but that’s the way it is. And if things with the girlfriend get serious I doubt that she’s going to let that continue or if it’s appropriate. I’d like to be on terms with him that I get invited to the wedding as I was with one of my other exes. But even that might not happen. So not only am I scared of losing the love of my life (if I haven’t lost him already) but I could lose my best friend too.

Today he told me that he was going for dinner with his girlfriend at her parents’ house. She lives at home, but not only was that twisting the knife, it was pulling it out again of my chest bringing bits of flesh with it. The pain is indescribable so I can’t pretend that it’s over to myself.

I just wish he would catch a wake up and realize that it’s me he should be with, but realistically I don’t think that’s going to happen because he thinks that he can find what we had with someone else. What we had was really special and rare. And I don’t think he values it enough – I was his first serious girlfriend. As things stand at the moment, I am his ONLY serious girlfriend. What does he know? HE just doesn’t see it which leads to my frustration.

I need to move on. It’s just that I can’t. And so the knife in my chest continues to twist.

Soundtrack of the Day: Love Bites – Def Leppard. Doesn’t it just.